Title         

Composer 

A.S.C.A.P. B.M.I. N.R.A. P.T.A. M.I.C.K.E.Y.

I met her at a squaredance at a truck stop at a dress ball at a rehab at a truck stop by a trailer eatin' breakfast eatin' dinner eatin' twinkies fillin' creampuffs in a gay bar in a jail cell in a nightmare in a rehab in an alley in a treehouse incognito in Sheboygan in the Stone Age on probation on the highway on the Stones tour on vacation outside Dallas outside Fresno outside Teaneck outside Cleveland outside Dallas all hunched over at McDonald's dead all over eatin' breakfast eatin' dinner in a gay bar in September in the red zone mugging tourists named "Begonia" outside Cleveland outside Fresno up near Bangor playin' congas playin' French Horn playin' guitar playin' nose-flute poppin' uppers ridin' shotgun selling Mopeds eatin' Twinkies smelling funny sort of pregnant stoned on oatmeal with Merv Griffin wrestlin' gators whistling "Dixie"

I can still recall that frilly dress that afro wig that burlap bra that cheap perfume that creepy smile that extra-large that little bone that plastic nose that purple dress the boxer shorts the cardboard box the combat boots the coonskin hat the fright mask that the hearing aid the neon sign the smelly cream the Stassin pin the stolen goods the stupid hat those training pants she wore;

She was dancin' with the preacher barfing last night's vodka bouncin' off the guardrail breakin' out with Acne chewin' on a hangnail chewin' on a t-bone cookin' fried zucchini crawlin' through the prairie drinkin' Dr. Pepper drownin' in the quicksand entertaining tourists goin' through a sex-change goin' with a wrestler hot-wiring my pickup laughin' like a banshee loaded down with Twinkies munchin' jalapenos oiling her shotgun passed out in the men's room pregnant with the triplets scratchin' like a monkey screaming at a waiter sellin' plastic dishware shoplifting tomatoes sketchin' out her memoirs smellin' kind of funny sobbin' at the toll booth slurpin' up linguini sortin' out some roadkill stuttering like crazy swearin' like a trooper talkin' in Swahili watchin' Martha Stewart like an old friend almost naked as a side dish but I loved her by the off-ramp for the homeboys in A minor in her muu-muu in the bathtub in the men's room in the twilight like an old pro near Poughkeepsie on her elbows snoring gently very quickly very slowly when she shot me with a wetback with her cobra with a Twinkie with Led Zeppelin with Miss Piggy without shoes on with some sailors with 3 Germans ;

And I knew no guy would ever love her more her momma ran a liquor store I couldn't come around no more I couldn't stand her canker sore I'd caught my pecker in the door I'd have to bribe the judge some more I'd have to scrape her off the floor I'd never rate her more than "4" I had a zero chance to score it was a raven - nothing more no guy would ever love her more she'd bought her dentures in a store she'd need some ointment for that sore she'd never be ZaZa Gabor she'd never make it as a whore she weren't contagious anymore that I would upchuck on the floor that she was rotten to the core that she would be a crashing bore that she would be an easy score they'd hate her guts in Baltimore the crowd would give a mighty roar we really lost the last World War what strong deodorants were for .

I knew deep down Her daddy said Her momma knew Her parrot said Her rabbi said I almost said I burped and said I knew deep down I promised her I shrieked in pain, It soon was clear I told her shrink My friends all said My hamster thought My Pooh bear said She asked me if The judge declared The painters knew The blood test showed I'd be with her be a geek be on pills beg for change change my sex dress in drag go without hate her dog have that rash live off her masturbate pick my nose play "Go Fish" punch her out roll cigars salivate stay a dwarf stay at home stay with her swear off booze take out trash walk the streets warp her mind forever;

She said to me "our love will never die" "go stick it in your eye" her Basset hound was shy her brother's name was Hy her herpes was a lie man wasn't meant to fly "our love will never die" she couldn't stand my tie she'd cut off ol' one-eye she'd have a Swiss on rye she liked "Spy vs. Spy" she loved my one blue eye she really liked my tie she used to be a guy she wanted some more pie that birthdays made her cry that Lucy's in the sky that Rolaids got her high that whipped cream gets her high the pasta was too dry "there is no other guy" "would you please close your fly" "your thumb is in my eye" ;

But who'd have thought she'd run off black out blast off bobsled boogie break jail change sex drop dead freak out go north get nude grovel have kids make it run off sky dive steal cars turn green wind up write songs yodel with my best friend at a gay bar at her health club eating breakfast during rough sex every Thursday for a sex-change for my gun-rack for ten dollars in a wetsuit in her Maytag in my Edsel in my pickup in Poughkeepsie in the kitchen on a surfboard on "The Gong Show" on her "Workmate" with no clothes on while in labor with a robot with her cousins with her daddy with her dentist with her guru with my best dog with my best friend with the good hootch ;

I never got the chance to say And hire the Oak Ridge Boys to sing And hire Minnie Pearl to sing But that's the way the pygmies say I guess I was too crocked to say I never had the chance to say I pushed her off the bridge and waved I popped her in the chops and yelled I was laughing much too hard to say I watched her melt away and sobbed My momma said, "just tell the bitch Now I can kiss my credit cards She barfed, and with a stick scrawled out She farted, and I had to say She farted, and I knew it meant She fell beneath the wheels and cried She flipped a bird and smiled a sweet She freaked out on the lawn and screamed She packed up her guitar and said She sealed me in the vault and smirked She sent a hired thug to say She smelled so bad, I had to say She threw a moon at me and yelled She told her fat friend Grace to say The spraypaint on my Porsche spelled out While the Mormon Tabernacle sang You'd think at least that she'd have said goodbye.